i dont want to be alive. but yet im still here. not feeling 100% ok…i didnt go to the hospital. i just stayed awake. threw up. talked to jackie and she watched over me for an hour. then she left. and that hurt. i wanted her to stay with me. today i go back to work. so hopefully that will get my mind off things. i really just want to die. i have no one to talk to. i have never felt so alone in my life.
and now my mom is worried. she said i shouldve have called the cops on her. but my mom doesnt understand what jackie did to me was wrong. i have bruises all over my body and im still very sore from what happened two nights ago. wherever jackie is, i pray that she is safe. we may not be together anymore. but she is still a human being and i would feel horrible if anything happened to her. if she is in jail, my personal opinion is thank god, at least she’ll be safe. and have a roof over her head. and maybe she’ll think about everything she did. i dont think shes in jail though. i think shes out and about. even out of town. idk. everyone keeps telling me to stop thinking about it. so tonight i will let lose and have a few drinks with my coworker laci. she has been there for me since she started working with me. shes a good person and im happy to call her my friend. shes shared some very wise words to me. and shes 3 years younger than me. crazy how my life ended up like this. but i wouldnt change a thing. no regrets!
i have no idea where she is. ive been trying to get a hold of her since 8am. called, text….she was suppose to open the store this morning but no one was there. i got her boss’s number to let her know. and she asks me if i knew who was in her car yesterday because her debit card is missing. i told her i havent seen jackie since yesterday morning. and she probably took it. i told her boss that she was using agian. and told her what happened the night before. she doesnt think that jackie took it, but she doesnt know about jackies past. she did go to jail for fraud. and her fugly girlfriend went to prison for stealing another persons identity. i cant believe she fucked up her life…for what, for some fugly 40 something year old lady? it breaks my heart. because she had a good life with me. i wouldve done anything for her. and now shes MIA and wont answer the phone for anyone. i think im gonna have to contact her probation officer and let them know whats going on.
rather than a drug user who only cares about herself. yes. it is officially over with jackie and i. after last night…i know now what everyone was trying to tell me. also, jackie pocket dialed me. and i heard her say shes bringing crystal here. which is what i needed to hear. i know she didnt know she pocket dialed me. so her words of “we’ll make it work” was a load of crap. she was really just using me the entire time of our relationship. i see the nastiness in her. the ugliness. the straight up piece of shit she really is. yes, i did love her very much. but theres no point in loving someone like that. i deserve better. and i know i will find that better person. but right now i will just focus on myself. learn to love myself. its always fun to be single ;) i need to focus on getting out of this town. i really wanna move to flagstaff and stay with my bestie. first, gotta save up for a vehicle. i really could use a random road trip right about now.
A crazy night.
I walked over to jackies room.
Where she ignored my phone calls and text messages.
She wouldn’t answer the door.
Come to find out she had people over and they were using.
I found three meth pipes and i could tell jackie was high.
I told her i wouldn’t leave her side.
We had a fight a lil while ago.
I was choked and thrown to the ground. And elbowed in the face.
She ran away down the alley when my mom came outside.
I called the cops on her and now idk where she is.
I’m shakey and worried.
Idk what went wrong.
Or maybe she was using the entire time of our relationship.
I should get some sleep but im worried. And scared for my and my mothers safety.
feels like my brain is going to explode. all my over thinking. and my anxiousness of what next month will bring. jackie’s ex gets out next month. and i wonder all the time if jackie is just using me for the time being. until next month when her ex gets out. these thoughts are what brings tears to my eyes late at night. my nightmares are about this. -sighs- i wish i could read minds. then i could be sure what jackie wants and if shes just using me.
I woke up and heard Jackie doing something in the restroom.
So I got up and slowly walked over.
In my mind I thought she was doing pills or shooting up.
I pushed open the door and said “Jackie what are you doing?”
And she quickly shut and locked the door on me. She started crying and said nothing!!
I immediately asked her if she was doing pills or drugs. She said no!
She just was throwing up.
And I said “you never close the door or lock it. So you’re obviously up to something”
She said she didn’t want to tell me because its embarrassing and she didnt want me to love her less or be freaked out.
After pleading with her to tell me…she hid under a blanket crying and finally told me that she was just cleaning her dentures out and and regluing them back in when I walked in on her.
She cried and wouldn’t look at me.
She explained they were from years of her drug usage.
I took her in my arms and told her she’s still beautiful and I don’t love her any less.
In fact I already knew about it. I figured it out when I found some polident in her car. She doesn’t know that I already knew…but I don’t want her to be embarassed.
She looked up at me and asked “do you think I’m a freak?” I shook my head and kissed her passionately on the lips.
I told her that she’s perfect. And I love her very much. Nothing can ever change that.
She said that was a huge secret she was keeping from me. She was surprised to how I reacted.
After that we fell asleep in each others arms.
My girlfriend is perfect.
I love her dearly.